I'm Just Plain 'Ole Pissed!

Okay, I'm pissed. Pissed, pissed, pissed! And I can't seem to get out of this pissy mood. I'm one pissed off mofo, believe me.

I've been pissed for about 5 months now. Pretty sad, eh? Like I mentioned in my profile I've recently gone through a severe health scare (ovarian cancer) and I've been "upset" ever since. I'm just gonna let it all out right here.

I'm ticked off at everything and everyone. What's so odd about this (for me) is that I'm usually a very easy-going person and I pretty much like most people and get along with everyone. Well not anymore!

I had one very good chat buddy pretty much disappear on me once my illness got pretty serious. Guess we weren't that good a friends, but then again I also think it freaked my friend out. I dunno. Not counting the cheating fiance!

Now I have one other very dear friend who contacted me recently and said he wanted to put a stop on communicating for a while, if not for good. WTF people?? This person, I believe, was upset about my upcoming nuptials and he thought it best to step aside... as a friend, folks. Well dammit! Do I offend? Do I stink or something?

My family lives over 1000 miles away so I'm kinda out here on my own for a while. It's been a really serious and trying time with my illness and sometimes (no matter how old you are) you want to be near family, i.e. your parents. I still have a long way to go in my recovery and some days I feel like I used to before I got sick and want to do things that everyone else does. But I can't 'cause what I have makes you sleepy and with zero energy and you pretty much feel green all the time. Not counting I look like absolute shit. No joke.

I'm hoping to make a full recovery but in the meantime I sit home being pissed. Well, I'm not home 24/7 but it feels like it sometimes. I stay busy with many things, I really do, but nothing can break through my pissy barrier. I'm enrolled in online classes and when I'm feelin' up to it, I do as much work on that as possible. All the while being pissed. I do try and get out as much as I can.

Any suggestions, betties? I can't do anything like marathons or super physical stuff right now. Sigh...

If anything, I'm pissed at myself for not being grateful enough that I'm still here. I had a very serious surgery back in March and almost died. Not trying to be melodramatic; simply stating facts. I was extremely grateful/thankful for the longest time but it seems to have gone out the window with my good attitude.

Now tomorrow is my birthday and I'm going to do my best to be cheery. Friends want to take me out, etc. I don't want to offend my friends or anything so I'll go with them.

Pitches

!st of all nothing I say will be new or enlightening I am sure. I am sorry you are going through this and it sounds absolutely horrible.

I did go through a very very bad time, it was pretty much the bottom.

This will saound strange but, I went to a mediatation class, anything to just calm me down. The instructer said some things that kinda changes my persoective alot!

She said sepnd time everyday "accepting the shitiness" of your situation. Sit quitetly, breath and kinda "be" with all those angry, sad, ugly, feelings. Basically, sit there and just "know" that it fucking sucks!

After practicing this several times I realized I was no longer "struggling" with the shitiness, I faced it, I sat with it, and let it in.

Hell after a while, I actually found some joy in the "energy" of it.

I could probably write a a book about it, but I just wanted to share a little about what worked for me.

:+}

pitched by : aronado

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********omg please excuse the 8 yr old spelling*******

reply by : aronado

haha... no worries on the spelling. You should see mine sometimes. Really bad.

Y'know, I remember the medical staff recommending meditation and very low impact excercise once I'm able. I did join a gym but that's about it. They suggested swimming or something very repetitive. I remember them saying it puts your mind in a meditative state. They said try creative things: painting, writing, etc. Anything that would take full concentration. Or something like that. It's so easy to get sucked into your everyday "stuff" that I forget to simply relax.

I'm going to look into meditation. I tried yoga the other day, but that ain't right. I told the instructor that I wasn't a Cirque Du Soleil performer.

I'm sorry about your bad time. I can say I know how you feel. It is horrible. Well it sounds like you handled it really great! Two snaps to you! ;)

Thanks!

reply by : LadyE

this is EXACTLY why I come here, such a good outlet!

I'm not the meditation type... venting, typing, putting it in black and white for me to read and others to comment helps me deal TREMENDOUSLY!!! Plus the added benefit of getting others input and opinions. Usually I can let something go after I've discussed it enough, verbally or in type.

I'm glad you're here.

pitched by : BitchAss

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Thanks BitchAss (still lovin' that name, btw.)

I write alot too and it *does* help. I remember before I got sick and when I got upset about something I would take a long strenuous walk or even a jog. Sometimes go to the gym. I used to be very athletic, but temporarily, that's not an option for me. I can't even enjoy a good movie hardly anymore. I see these tweens or twenty something kids griping and moning about their bank accounts or not having a date for the prom. Pfft!! I just watch these supposed tear jerker films and I think to myself, "Oh walk it off you wussy." I'm terrible.

I think this quote is appropriate for my bitch...

"Sometimes life's a BITCH. If it were a SLUT, it would be EASY."

reply by : LadyE

Writing and blogging tend to be my outlets as well. Screaming helps too. LOL! I've found a hobby that allows me to scream.

I am recently coming out of a year long funk- a bout with diabetic ketoacidosis that had me in ICU last year-my daughter and I being kicked outta my (ex) fiances house in Novemeber '07,- the deaths of 2 friends in 7 weeks time this year, gallstones, lower spinal degeneration- a back injury.

Yoga used to help me ...until I injured my back. I can't concentrate long enough to meditate. Riding my bike around town helped. No super biking- just cruising on my old vintage bike real slow.

Scream, write, take long walks. You will find something that works for you. We all do.

pitched by : rebelene13

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It sounds like you've had a rough go of things. That sucks! You've got every right to be pissed about your situation. Own it, I say! You'll change when you're damn good 'n ready! About your friends though. Are they all online-friends or are they real-life-friends? I can see how it would be easy for an internet-buddy to get torn away in your trials. I've been through some things like that and it really showed me that internet relationships just aren't real. Even if you talk on the phone or email all the time it's just not like knowing someone in real-life.

reply by : forwhomthebelltholls

Damn, I'm still learning how to use this thing. So I apologize for the double post. This was for Lady E not rebelene13.

pitched by : forwhomthebelltholls

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